Monday, November 9, 2009

The shit just keeps piling up.

Things on my mind lately:

- My declining grades. Getting As and Bs in Honors classes in high school? Piece o' cake. Getting Bs in normal classes here? Really, really hard. It doesn't help that taking notes in normal Computer Science class does me no good, because everything I learn, I learn in Lab, by actually coding things and experimenting. This makes it extremely difficult for me when the normal tests come around, because I have a hard time explaining what goes on behind the scenes as I spend six hours on 134 lines of code. Space Studies is going great (teacher says you need to score above the mean on the tests, and I've been consistently doing that), but I have a C in Honors right now. Both band classes are guaranteed As, but I'm not sure if they can keep my GPA up to a 3.0 needed to renew a scholarship I got.

It's extremely frustrating going from always getting As and Bs every year to having Bs and Cs. EXTREMELY frustrating. Especially when one those classes is the basic class for your major and you wanted to get an A in it.

And I can't just study for hours upon hours like my roommate does. Just...can't. For Honors, what do I study? Really, what do I? We go over different things every week. We don't have a set textbook whatsoever. Our classes consist only of discussion and our homework consists only of reading. Computer Science? I can't. YOU try "studying" a textbook of computer code. It doesn't work for me. HTML/CSS I learned by myself, by looking at the source code of others and figuring how they did the things they did and what would happen if I tweaked it. The test today in Computer Science had things that I could remember BECAUSE I worked for six hours on a lab that greatly involved those "things". None of my classes are ones you can really outright "study" for.

It's putting an insane amount of pressure on me. INSANE. I'm afraid that I might break...

- Money. It just frustrates me that I can't get the things I want, but I can't get a job because of my schedule (well...actually, with no more football games and with hockey games being late at night, I might actually be able to get a job now - the bookstore that's a five-minute walk from here has a big "Now Hiring" sign up). Every now and then I find myself looking at my Amazon.com wishlist and becoming extremely depressed. Yeah, there's Christmas, but I'm not exactly going to be in a set point around that time, thanks to my next point...

- So a few hours after deciding it, I just got informed by my mom that she'll be moving to Texas. WELL THANKS A FREAKING LOT. All that planning I did? Gone. Those plane tickets that I spent hundreds of my leftover financial aid money on? Useless. She says she'll help work it out, but I seriously doubt it, she's not getting paid enough to accommodate a move AND buy at least $400 worth of plane tickets. And if we're moving, I can't even get anything for Christmas, since I don't have an address to send it to. Furthermore, this will also undo ALL of the address-changing I've been doing regarding my "home address", so I'll have to contact Tricare and a bazillion other people to change it yet AGAIN. I know it's selfish of me, but after all of the other times she said that she'll move or go here or there, having to change EVERYTHING for something that doesn't even have a set date adds a whole lot more stress to my already overstressed life.

Why me? Why the HELL does it have to be me? Everyone else has family close by. Practically everyone I know has a stable home with two parents, and a house, and they've STAYED IN THE SAME FREAKING PLACE all their lives. They go home during a weekend and see everyone. I can't. I can't freaking do that. I MIGHT have a chance to see my old high-school bandmates again ONE more time before I help mom move to Texas. And then after that, I can never see them again. Or the people at the allergist. Or my old dentist. Hell, one of the things I wanted to do when I come back to Las Vegas was to get a new set of retainers at my ol' orthodontist, since my old ones are wearing out. CAN'T DO THAT IF I HAVE TO LEAVE THE NEXT DAY, NOW CAN I? And my A key on my computer has been acting up again, I wanted to go to the store where I bought the laptop and use my shiny warranty so they can do some heavy-duty work on that goddamn key.

Everyone else has a freaking car because their relatives live around here. Me, I'm by myself. I'm a freaking adult and I still have to rely on others to get to places like I'm back in high school. I still have to beg and plead my bandmates to take me to the practice field every Marching Band practice. I'm all by myself here. And I'm sad. And lonely, because no one knows what the FUCK it is like to live outside of North Dakota. Everyone can go home over thanksgiving and hunt some deer with their families, while I'm stuck here by myself. I'm an agnostic in a highly Christian town. And you know what? Now Mom's leaving, going somewhere else, where I'll STILL be a complete and utter stranger to everyone, and faced with the EXACT SAME PROBLEMS I have here with people, when I expected to catch up with the familiar faces I've known for years and spend some time in a city that, while I completely HATE its GUTS, is at least FAMILIAR.


...it's late. I'm tired, strung-out, stressed-out. But I need SOME way to vent my feelings about everything, before I snap.

8 comments:

Christina LMT said...

That's what blogging is for, Sweetheart!

And you have to realize, it's not about YOU, this move is about ME. I promised you you wouldn't have to change high schools, so I was stuck in Vegas. YOU are the one who chose UND. I'm positive that they must have some kind of accommodations for students from out of state who can't go home during break, you just have to ask questions. Your grades? You'll be FINE. Relax, okay? Maybe you should drop one of your band classes. Isn't one class enough?

Anyway, we'll discuss this more when I get home.

Silver the Evil Chao said...

Band is EASY compared to my other classes. EASY. I'm not one bit stressed about band.

dick said...

Ah... The joys of college and parenthood.
I strangely remember these days with my boy.

Buck said...

Hang in there, Silver. I wanna say "things will get easier," but sometimes they don't (I'm a horrible realist). But, in your case, I think things WILL get easier... just a gut feeling I have.

Christina LMT said...

Silver, I'm talking about TIME, not difficulty.
If you drop a band class, you'd have more time for your other classes, or getting a JOB, perhaps.

Gay_Cynic said...

I'm sitting in an airport, and am not usually as graced with diplomacy as many.

You're a grown up now. Suck it up.

Other folks have lives, too - even if they care about or are related to you - and that means they get to make choices and get on with those same lives. Sometimes they can help you, sometimes they can have lives that intermesh conveniently with yours. But that's not a guarantee, no matter how much they love/care for you.

Absolutely nothing stops you from going to LV on your own, seeing who you want to see, or doing as your time, resources, and interests dictate. None of this "never can see again" flies.

I would be most surprised, for instance, if at every airline gate/train station,highway a big sign is posted "No SILVER ALLOWED!"

If you need an address - GET A PO BOX! The commercial ones even accept packages for you. Counting on someone (regardless of relationship) to sit in one place just so they can accept your mail...is less than entirely reasonable.

Be glad you have others that will drive you. Adulthood is not a guarantee of car-hood.

Reach out to folks. Make friends. Not all Christians are evil.

And your Mom is entitled to seek some happiness too.

Silver the Evil Chao said...

Ouchies, Gay_Cynic, that hurts. For the best, though.

There is simply no way I can pay for more than one set of plane tickets a semester. So if I were to go to Vegas to see everything again, I wouldn't be able to see Mom. Hence my general attitude of "never being able to see them again".

I think most of my (now non-existent, what was I on last night?) freak-out-ness was because of how sudden and last-minute it seemed. Here I thought everything was finally set-in-stone, and then BOOM! all wrong again. As Mom knows, no matter what it is, I have an EXTREMELY hard time handling things like that. Massive change causes me to freak, and that's definitely one of things I need to work on if I want to be an astronaut.

Wai said...

Silver, nothing is ever set in stone. Learn to use your time more effectively: work smarter; not harder. You're going to have to relearn how to study. You're in the big leagues now and you can't coast like you did in high school. The first year of college is the toughest because there's a lot of adjustment to get used to, but it does get easier after that, IF you let it and stop struggling with it. Learn the code, so you don't have to waste 6 hours with "hands-on" studying. It'll come to you easier when you get to understanding it. You'll come to find a routine that works and everything will fall into place. Things will work out; just hang in there. We're all with you in spirit. Send me an email with your school address and I'll see if I can scrounge up a care package for you. Include a list of things you like.