Things on my mind lately:
- My declining grades. Getting As and Bs in Honors classes in high school? Piece o' cake. Getting Bs in normal classes here? Really, really hard. It doesn't help that taking notes in normal Computer Science class does me no good, because everything I learn, I learn in Lab, by actually coding things and experimenting. This makes it extremely difficult for me when the normal tests come around, because I have a hard time explaining what goes on behind the scenes as I spend six hours on 134 lines of code. Space Studies is going great (teacher says you need to score above the mean on the tests, and I've been consistently doing that), but I have a C in Honors right now. Both band classes are guaranteed As, but I'm not sure if they can keep my GPA up to a 3.0 needed to renew a scholarship I got.
It's extremely frustrating going from always getting As and Bs every year to having Bs and Cs. EXTREMELY frustrating. Especially when one those classes is the basic class for your major and you wanted to get an A in it.
And I can't just study for hours upon hours like my roommate does. Just...can't. For Honors, what do I study? Really, what do I? We go over different things every week. We don't have a set textbook whatsoever. Our classes consist only of discussion and our homework consists only of reading. Computer Science? I can't. YOU try "studying" a textbook of computer code. It doesn't work for me. HTML/CSS I learned by myself, by looking at the source code of others and figuring how they did the things they did and what would happen if I tweaked it. The test today in Computer Science had things that I could remember BECAUSE I worked for six hours on a lab that greatly involved those "things". None of my classes are ones you can really outright "study" for.
It's putting an insane amount of pressure on me. INSANE. I'm afraid that I might break...
- Money. It just frustrates me that I can't get the things I want, but I can't get a job because of my schedule (well...actually, with no more football games and with hockey games being late at night, I might actually be able to get a job now - the bookstore that's a five-minute walk from here has a big "Now Hiring" sign up). Every now and then I find myself looking at my Amazon.com wishlist and becoming extremely depressed. Yeah, there's Christmas, but I'm not exactly going to be in a set point around that time, thanks to my next point...
- So a few hours after deciding it, I just got informed by my mom that she'll be moving to Texas. WELL THANKS A FREAKING LOT. All that planning I did? Gone. Those plane tickets that I spent hundreds of my leftover financial aid money on? Useless. She says she'll help work it out, but I seriously doubt it, she's not getting paid enough to accommodate a move AND buy at least $400 worth of plane tickets. And if we're moving, I can't even get anything for Christmas, since I don't have an address to send it to. Furthermore, this will also undo ALL of the address-changing I've been doing regarding my "home address", so I'll have to contact Tricare and a bazillion other people to change it yet AGAIN. I know it's selfish of me, but after all of the other times she said that she'll move or go here or there, having to change EVERYTHING for something that doesn't even have a set date adds a whole lot more stress to my already overstressed life.
Why me? Why the HELL does it have to be me? Everyone else has family close by. Practically everyone I know has a stable home with two parents, and a house, and they've STAYED IN THE SAME FREAKING PLACE all their lives. They go home during a weekend and see everyone. I can't. I can't freaking do that. I MIGHT have a chance to see my old high-school bandmates again ONE more time before I help mom move to Texas. And then after that, I can never see them again. Or the people at the allergist. Or my old dentist. Hell, one of the things I wanted to do when I come back to Las Vegas was to get a new set of retainers at my ol' orthodontist, since my old ones are wearing out. CAN'T DO THAT IF I HAVE TO LEAVE THE NEXT DAY, NOW CAN I? And my A key on my computer has been acting up again, I wanted to go to the store where I bought the laptop and use my shiny warranty so they can do some heavy-duty work on that goddamn key.
Everyone else has a freaking car because their relatives live around here. Me, I'm by myself. I'm a freaking adult and I still have to rely on others to get to places like I'm back in high school. I still have to beg and plead my bandmates to take me to the practice field every Marching Band practice. I'm all by myself here. And I'm sad. And lonely, because no one knows what the FUCK it is like to live outside of North Dakota. Everyone can go home over thanksgiving and hunt some deer with their families, while I'm stuck here by myself. I'm an agnostic in a highly Christian town. And you know what? Now Mom's leaving, going somewhere else, where I'll STILL be a complete and utter stranger to everyone, and faced with the EXACT SAME PROBLEMS I have here with people, when I expected to catch up with the familiar faces I've known for years and spend some time in a city that, while I completely HATE its GUTS, is at least FAMILIAR.
...it's late. I'm tired, strung-out, stressed-out. But I need SOME way to vent my feelings about everything, before I snap.